It’s fair to say that the old “nine months on, nine months off” adage doesn’t always apply when it comes to losing your baby weight. In fact, due to somehow giving birth to a child that NEVER SLEPT except when pushed in a pram or whilst attached to me in a sling, bouncing on a yoga ball, (yes, really. I watched two whole seasons of The Wire just boinging up and down in my living room like bloody Zebedee,) I managed to shift my (vast) pregnancy weight gain, plus a little bit extra on top in just under five months! Woo-hoo! Brownie points to me!

Except the brownie points were somehow converted into real brownies, and then… you know the rest. So, in order to obtain anything like a regulation “bikini body” (ha!) this summer, drastic measures are now called for.

And so I introduce The Accidental Tai-Tai’s Toddler-Assisted Diet! This sure-fire system is especially designed to work for all mothers of toddlers. Or fathers – no judgement, guys! The important point is that this easy-to-follow diet plan consists of just two simple steps, with guaranteed results:

1. Cook a nutritious, well-balanced meal for your toddler.
2. Eat their leftovers.

Let me explain: as well as ensuring that your portion sizes are kept relatively small (although my not-yet-three-year-old has the capacity to out-eat many Olympic weight-lifters when the mood takes him), you are guaranteed that your child will have taken care of any pesky refined carbs or scrummy dairy products for you, leaving you with… vegetables! Yes, loads and loads of healthy veg, all lovingly prepared by your own fair hand and guaranteed to be completely untouched by a toddler’s fork!

(Bonus weight-loss may be enjoyed if your child is one of those little treasures that is prone to chucking their veg onto the floor; by the time you’ve picked off the old fluff and cat hair, you’ll be cutting your calorie intake by at least another 30% = WIN!)

See you by the pool, ladies!